Trouble in paradise? Seven surprising signs you’re heading for divorce

From never arguing to knowing exactly what the other thinks, the signs your relationship is in trouble aren’t always obvious. Experts reveal what to watch for – and how to get the spark back

You stop arguing

You would think this is a sign of perfect harmony. Not so if you have stopped arguing completely. “Stopping disagreeing isn’t a sign of peace, it points to emotional withdrawal,” explains Simone Bose, a relationship therapist at Relate. It happens, says Bose, because couples are “likely protecting themselves from feeling disappointed or from conflict itself, but are becoming emotionally numb”. Clinical psychologist and Couples Therapy star Dr Orna Guralnik agrees, noting that “some people don’t argue because they’ve come to a state of acceptance of who each other are, but some don’t argue because they’ve given up. It’s a cold, detached form of not arguing – a resignation.” For Oona Metz, a social worker, psychotherapist and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women, “Couples who stop arguing even when they have major disagreements are on a collision course towards either an unhappy marriage or a divorce.” This is because “unresolved issues get swept under the rug and eventually come out in some other way”.

In terms of a remedy, Bose says “many people experience conflict as dangerous or overwhelming because of early family experiences, so they learn that staying quiet feels safer. The first step is to gently lean into that discomfort and name the emotional distance. Saying something like, ‘I feel us drifting and I miss feeling close to you,’ opens the possibility for re-engagement.”

You stop trying to change your partner

The conventional wisdom is that trying to change a partner is a sign of dissatisfaction, but it’s more nuanced than that. “First, trying to change a spouse is a sign of trouble, that one is unhappy, but once that pattern gets established, stopping any attempts is a bigger warning light,” says Dr Lee Baucom, a therapist and host of The Save the Marriage Podcast. “It indicates they have started distancing.” He continues: “They haven’t seen any change that sticks, so they pull away from the relationship.”

Look out for a “why bother” mindset and address it asap. “Marriage is not about changing a spouse, but it can be about working together to face what’s not working as a couple,” says Baucom.

You don’t say ‘thank you’ any more

Can’t remember the last time you thanked your partner for small things, such as making you a cup of tea or cooking the dinner? “That’s not a good sign,” says Guralnik. “You’re losing contact with what’s good. Gratitude is an important experience to have and it’s really good for the relationship to express it.”

Eli Weinstein, a therapist and author of From I Do to We Do: Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years agrees: “Gratitude is the lubricant of partnership; it reduces friction, softens edges and reminds you that you’re seen. When it disappears, partners start to feel invisible, unappreciated and taken for granted.”

Specifically in the context of co-parenting, “You start assuming the other person should do things, so appreciation fades. That breeds resentment, which slowly erodes goodwill and teamwork until everything starts feeling transactional.” Weinstein advises that you “reconnect by naming small wins, saying ‘thank you’ out loud, and acknowledging what’s often unseen – the mental load, not just the chores”.

You know exactly what the other person is thinking

Yes, you are sharing your life together, but that shouldn’t leave you complacent. A partner who is “no longer curious about the inner world of their spouse” is a danger sign, says Baucom. So how does this play out? “They stop asking probing questions or expressing interest in a spouse’s views. The discussions that do happen are logistical in nature – no more dreaming and planning together. No more concern for a spouse’s fears or hopes.”

Guralnik describes this phenomenon as “when people in a split second already reach ‘I know exactly what the other person is thinking.’ They go from nought to 100 with one word because the history is already baked in, but for a relationship to thrive to continue it’s core to be curious about your partner and to want to know what’s going on with them, rather than assuming you know.”

Bose says: “When we stop checking in, we freeze our partner in an old version of who they are, rather than allowing space for who they are becoming, and intimacy slowly erodes.”

Sound familiar? Guralnik says: “Catch yourself, and actually put your attention on your partner, away from yourself.”

One of you goes to bed early every night

Obviously there are plenty of caveats; shift work, ill health, the list goes on – but if one of you is so tired and overwhelmed by the rigours of co‑parenting that you go to bed early every single night, in case tomorrow is worse than today, your relationship could be on a collision course – because you need to make daily effort to protect your connection as a couple.

“When both partners are running on empty, even small moments of connection feel like one more thing on the to-do list,” says Weinstein. “The couple become co-workers managing chaos instead of teammates nurturing a relationship. Over time, disconnection becomes the norm instead of the exception, and the relationship loses its spark and emotional safety.”

When life is getting on top of you, protect your marriage by “rebuilding in small, doable doses: tiny rituals, five-minute check-ins, a shared laugh, a warm touch”, says Weinstein. “When you stop aiming for ‘date night perfection’ and instead focus on small, consistent steps, connection becomes accessible again.”

You take up ultramarathons

Again, there are plenty of caveats, but getting overly absorbed in hobbies leaves little space for couples to connect meaningfully. “Hobbies are great and it’s important that couples have activities they do together as well as time apart, but when one member of a couple takes up an activity that is extremely time-consuming, it can be a sign that the relationship has been demoted in favour of the activity,” warns Metz. Bose agrees, saying: “Getting overly absorbed in hobbies can be a way to distract from connecting directly with one another.”

So how do you know whether their devotion to running, cycling or writing a novel is a red flag, not just an innocent desire to get fit or take on a challenge? “If your partner is rigid about how much time is spent on the activity, or the activity begins to infringe upon the couple spending time together or going to important events – ‘I’m sorry I can’t attend our anniversary weekend/our son’s graduation because I need to train for my bike race’. There is a difference between a one-time event (training for one marathon) versus a new all-encompassing hobby that goes on indefinitely,” says Metz. A hobby becomes unfair to a spouse “when it is negatively impacting one partner in an ongoing way; creating inequality or leaving no time for the couple to connect, or when there is no compromise”.

To shore up your marriage, Metz advises looking for compromise: “Instead of ultramarathons, can the runner just do marathons? If the hobby takes many hours a week and the bulk of the parenting or home care falls to the other spouse, can the ultramarathon runner pitch in more at other times during the week?”

You never ask for help

For Weinstein, people slip into the habit of never asking for help because they “don’t want to nag, fear disappointment or believe they should handle everything themselves. But when you can’t ask for help, the partnership stops functioning as a team.” Probably there’s an imbalance of some sort in all relationships, but let it escalate and you risk the partnership’s longevity. “The mental load grows silently until it becomes resentment, burnout or emotional shutdown,” says Weinstein. This is especially true for those who are co-parenting. “Eventually, one partner feels like the ‘default parent’, while the other feels pushed out.”

Bose sees this a lot: “Some people have always been self-sufficient and believe only they can do things and their partner won’t do them well enough. This can turn some partners into a martyr-like character, which in turn creates conflictual dynamics in the relationship. Carrying everything yourself can feel protective in the short term, but it often breeds resentment and emotional distance.”

The remedy, according to Weinstein, is to “name what you need without apology, and create shared systems rather than last-minute asks”. He encourages “full communication”, which he describes as “giving your partner the whole message; not the hint, the half-version, but sharing your full thought, need and want from start to finish, so they can meet you where you are.”