This is how we do it: ‘I thought I’d never want to have sex again – then I gave myself a pep talk’

When Lucia’s libido dropped, she found imaginative ways to reignite her spark with Edwin

Lucia, 45

I felt guilty because I love him and want to make him happy

About five years ago, my libido was so low I thought if I never had sex again, I’d be fine. I’m not sure what was causing it. It was during the pandemic and I was stressed by that, or perhaps it was due to hormonal changes that come with perimenopause. It was like something in my brain wasn’t working, and I just couldn’t get it together.

I didn’t feel like myself and Edwin and I were arguing more. When we talked about it, he’d say: “What’s going on? You don’t want to have sex with me.” And I’d reply: “It’s not that. It’s that I don’t want to do anything.”

It was stressful because we’ve been together for 26 years and he has always been up for it. I felt guilty because I love him and want to make him happy. So I knew that sex was something that still needed to happen in our relationship.

It was six months to a year before I went to the doctor. She put me on a supplement, and said it might help with my sex drive. But really it was shifting my mindset that changed things. I knew I had to focus on making sex a priority. And that’s what I did.

On days where I didn’t want to have sex, I would give myself a pep talk. I’d look at myself in the mirror and say: “I am going to have sex and I am going to enjoy it.” Then things got much better, even the quality of our sex, because I became more adventurous in an effort to get things going.

I started telling Edwin fake sexy stories about things I’d done with someone else. I’d pretend I’d met somebody while he was out, to get us in the mood. We also play “the stranger”, where we pretend to be different people meeting for a date. We’re back to having sex around three times a week.

Things have been good since I made this effort – we get along so much better. It’s not as spontaneous; if the kids are home you can’t be loud. Ultimately, things change as you get older, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Life changes and you just have to adapt.

Edwin, 46

I’m at a stage in my life where I only fantasise about my wife, which is awesome

Physical touch is my love language. That’s when I feel the most connected to Lucia – cuddling, back rubs. Of course, I enjoy the sex we’re having, but the connection is the most important part to me.

We’ve been together 26 years and I’m at a stage in my life where I only fantasise about my wife, which is awesome. I love being with her, and we are obviously familiar with the beats after all these years: how we like to kiss, how she likes to be touched. I do think that makes the sex better, but we have to be a little careful that it isn’t the same script every time. And it doesn’t sound romantic or sexy, but there is almost a schedule to our sex life – I would say 80% of the times we do it are before lunch.

We’re pretty vanilla, but we’re not prudes – we like a bit of dirty talk. The other day, we bought a remote controlled toy. While we were at dinner, we were going through some of its settings with Lucia wearing it.

In general, I have the higher libido, and as we’ve aged Lucia’s hormones have changed and she’s had a few lulls. She noticed a couple of years ago that she just didn’t feel turned on or attractive. It was probably the only issue we’ve ever had sexually. It wasn’t just the lack of sexual intimacy that was frustrating for me; it was that she was less affectionate overall. For me, that connection is how I feel loved, so it was unsettling.

Lucia went to the doctor, who gave her herbal supplements, but I think the biggest change came from her. She made a conscious choice to be more present, and it worked.

We talk a lot about how, at the beginning, there were butterflies. We don’t get those any more, but, to me, love is a conscious decision. Each day, when you wake up, you decide fresh that this is who I’m with, this is who I love. You choose them every day.