Is heterosexuality hopeless? | Arwa Mahdawi

Some argue that it is now embarrassing, particularly for women. But the fatalism of Extremely Online discourse obscures the actual picture, writes Arwa Mahdawi

As we wrap up pride month, I think the International Committee for Homosexual Advancement should give itself a pat on the back. Despite a challenging geopolitical environment, the gay agenda continues apace. Judging by recent headlines, heterosexuality has become somewhat embarrassing, particularly for women – a congenital condition you don’t really want to admit to in public and wish there was a cure for. But while there is no remedy for this modern malaise, there is a snazzy name for it: “heteropessimism”.

Asa Seresin is the scholar responsible for foisting this term (later amended to “heterofatalism”) on to the world. In a viral essay for the New Inquiry in 2019, Seresin explained it consists of “performative disaffiliations with heterosexuality … or hopelessness about straight experience”. That essay spawned a heteroload of thinkpieces and memes, a classic of the genre being a Vogue piece that asked: Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?. Even Zohran Mamdani weighed in on this very important question. For the record, he said no: “But if you’re worried that your boyfriend will embarrass you, you should probably get a new boyfriend.”

The situation is apparently so dire that there is now a burgeoning movement of activists determined to usher in a glorious new age of hetero-optimism. On the eve of pride month, the New York Times published a piece headlined Being Straight is Great, Actually by a Playboy editor who argued: “There has still never been a better time in human history to happily and successfully pursue heterosexuality.” (The headline was quickly changed to There’s Nothing Wrong With Wanting Men.)

Now there’s a whole book out on the subject by Phoebe Maltz Bovy called The Last Straight Woman: On Desiring Men that promises a “way forward for straight women”. I had not realised that times were so tough for them myself but, after reading an extract of the book that recently appeared in the Walrus (headlined: Are There Any Straight Women Left?), I learned they are an endangered species. Bovy notes that while straight women are not “obsolete”, they are “on the decline”. The evidence for this is a 2022 Gallup poll that found 19.7% of gen Z identifies as something other than heterosexual. While Bovy acknowledges much of this shift comes from people feeling more comfortable coming out than in previous generations, the article states: “We live in a time where desiring men makes you reactionary, prudish, conventional, or even ick.” (Someone should tell that to Taylor Swift, whose impending nuptials have got a lot of people very excited.)

Don’t worry, though: Bovy is valiantly making being straight great again. “Here I am, reclaiming man-needing as a feminist pursuit,” she writes in her magnum opus. “Women are people, after all, people who want. Maybe we shouldn’t like men, but on the whole, we do. That needs to be our starting point.”

The idea that “women are people” is a profound notion worth taking some time to reckon with. But indulge me for a moment while I put that aside and offer up a slightly different starting point for us all. What if – hear me out! – the only people actually agonising about heteropessimism were a small section of Extremely Online writers and PhD students? What if the whole concept wasn’t actually that deep?

To be clear, I’m not saying that the concept of heteropessimism isn’t worth engaging with at all. It’s interesting, for example, that antagonism is considered an almost foundational part of heterosexual relationships in a way that isn’t true of same-sex relationships: pop culture has long represented men as resenting their nagging wives and women as holding grudges against useless husbands who don’t know how to use a vacuum. And as women start to earn more money in the workforce, it’s entirely rational that they might feel dissatisfaction with the fact that, as studies show, they’re still doing far more housework and caregiving than their male partners. Nevertheless, I think it’s generally more useful to analyse today’s gender relations through the lens of misogyny and capitalism than heteropessimism.

It’s also useful to remember that there is a massive difference between online discourse and life in the real world. Go on certain corners of the internet and people would have you believe nobody is allowed to say the word “woman” any more, the entire straight world is ashamed of being straight and cis heterosexuals are an oppressed minority. None of that is true. Despite being drama queens, the straights are doing fine. Somehow I think heterosexuality will live to see another day.

• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist

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