Sixty years of hurt: start dreaming of England’s World Cup glory | Max Rushden

England’s countdown to the World Cup finals begins in earnest with friendly against Uruguay so it’s time to forget other countries are good at football

Is it too early to start plotting England’s inevitable route to World Cup glory? If nothing else it’ll stop me refreshing the internet to find out if Tim Sherwood is going to manage Spurs for the next three games before Dave from Chas & Dave comes in for the final Hail Mary.

Perhaps you’re focused on Arsenal coming second in everything, Everton finishing above Liverpool or the wild York/Rochdale title race in the National League. Take a weekend off and start dreaming of Gianni and Trump handing Harry Kane the trophy as the world burns.

Friday’s game with Uruguay may not get your pulse racing, but this is the true start of Thomas Tuchel’s World Cup countdown. Sixty years of hurt scans well in the song, at least. Once every 60 years feels OK. More common than Halley’s Comet, but sparse enough to feel life-changingly special. Twice in your lifetime, if you’re lucky.

There is a weirdness to international football. Have one good game in a qualifier at home to Slovakia in September and you can easily cope with the step up to this level, despite the opposition for your club at the weekend being of a higher quality. Alternatively, have a quiet 45 minutes or fail to link up well in a midfield who have never played together before and the shirt is too heavy for you. Just how well will James Garner have to play to get on the plane to Kansas City?

The game against Uruguay is an extreme version of that. Realistically, a decent pass from Kobbie Mainoo could elevate him above Adam Wharton. If Dominic Solanke runs the channels better than Dominic Calvert-Lewin, does he get to be reserve-Harry Kane for a month? On the latest episode of the Guardian Football Weekly, panellist Ali Maxwell called it the footballing version of Squid Games.

It’s virtually impossible to do the right thing on a pitch when there’s so much pressure on you to do something eye-catching. Can Cole Palmer afford to play the right pass if it’s only five yards back to Jordan Henderson when he knows Phil Foden is coming on for him at half-time? How well can James Trafford and Aaron Ramsdale warm up Dean Henderson to earn the third keeper spot?

Beyond third keeper, what places are realistically up for grabs? Full-back is perhaps the most open position. Left-back is probably Lewis Hall and Nico O’Reilly; right-back Reece James (if fit), leaving Djed Spence, Tino Livramento and Ben White to fight for one place. In the middle of defence Marc Guéhi and Ezri Konsa are probably the starters, leaving two from Harry Maguire, John Stones, Fikayo Tomori and Jarell Quansah.

The midfield two of Elliot Anderson and Declan Rice are set. Henderson is good around the place, so one more? Wharton, Mainoo and Garner for one spot, then.

The No 10 position is fascinating. Morgan Rogers starts, then we have Jude Bellingham, Palmer, Foden and Eberechi Eze. Fortunately, Tuchel is more sensible than columnists like me who read those names and think, ‘just play them all they’ll find a way’. That has been tried before. One of two ludicrously good players will miss out.

Up front Kane gets a plus one for when he rolls his ankle, but carries on regardless. Bukayo Saka starts on the right, Anthony Gordon on the left. Noni Madueke has been excellent for England, while Tuchel likes Marcus Rashford on the left. Can Jarrod Bowen squeeze past them?

So we are looking at a third keeper, two reserve centre-backs, a fourth, mainly right-sided full-back, two reserve central midfielders, a centre-forward and a wild card in 26th spot. Theo Walcott is only 37 …

Without wanting to do the jeopardy down, it probably doesn’t matter that much who Tuchel decides to pick out of those reserves, they can all do a job. Stand by for lots of ex-England reserves to tell you how boring it is and how important it is to pick players who are good at being bored.

Now is about the time to forget that other countries play football and are good at it. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones dangle a giant neuralyzer over the English Channel and suddenly they are just flags and kits and not the players that dominate the Premier League on a weekly basis.

At least Real Madrid just did an MRI on Kylian Mbappé’s other leg. Perhaps the most insane story of the season. Imagine the moment when the person realised they had done that. The pit of your stomach isn’t deep enough, you’d be better off sawing off the other leg of anyone else. Tuchel just needs some more MRI technologists to check the wrong parts of players from Brazil, Spain, Argentina, Germany, you know, teams that actually win the World Cup.

Blinkers on then, head in the sand and to the World Cup wall chart we go. That frisson of excitement when you try to work out if the USA will beat Paraguay, Belgium versus Egypt is a good way to start Group G. Brazil v Morocco in New Jersey on 13 June is glorious. Results inputted into the spreadsheet and apologies to Scotland – they miss out on the last 32 on goal difference. Needed to put more than one past Haiti.

England begin with an edgy 1-1 draw with Croatia. But their tournament truly begins with good wins over Ghana and Panama. Germany versus Norway and Brazil versus France are the big last-16 games. It’s South Korea for England – Kane v Son.

After that it’s the tricky side of the draw. France in the quarters, Argentina in the semis, Spain in the final – in the heat. Waistcoats, inflatable unicorns, Baddiel and Skinner … will it be enough or shall we just agree on 64 years of hurt, start editing the sad montage and circle back in 2030?