This is how we do it: ‘Whether it’s kinky sex in a dungeon or shopping at Costco, it’s all about our bond’

Dan and Zoe met on a train and connected instantly. Twenty years and three kids later, they’re still trying out new things

Dan, 44

We have a cup of tea and a chat with the receptionist then go on to a leather-clad room

Twenty years ago, a woman sat opposite me on a train and quoted the first line of the book I was reading to me. We talked and talked – about books, architecture, family, relationships – and haven’t stopped since. I assumed I’d never see her again, but she gave me her number and after texting furiously for a week she invited me to stay with her, and our instant intellectual connection became an intense physical one. We didn’t get out of bed for three days. I practically moved in that weekend and never left.

We had three kids in four years. It was intense. Making space for sex has become harder as they’ve got older. But we’re a team, so we always find solutions. And in the past year, we’ve started renting a room in a local sex dungeon for a few hours every couple of months. It relaxes us to know there’s not going to be a knock on the door or a creaking floorboard to distract us. We have a cup of tea and a chat with the receptionist about knitting or what they’re watching on TV, then go into a leather‑clad room. It’s all surprisingly mundane, which is how sex truly is and should be.

I’ve always known I wanted to be penetrated, but as a heterosexual man, especially in a politically regressive, male-dominated work environment, that comes with shame. I’m just over six feet tall and muscly, so I’ve never felt physically vulnerable with a partner before. Pegging is a way to give my vulnerability to Zoe. The pleasure is even more intense than I imagined, but mostly I like the intimacy of it.

I didn’t think I’d be having more sex in my 40s than in my 30s, or that we would find an entirely novel thing to do. From the outside, it’s a small, quiet life, but inside it feels like an adventure. Whether it’s kinky sex in a dungeon or shopping in Costco, it’s always about the bond between us, and the amazing luck to have come across my soulmate when I wasn’t even looking.

Zoe, 47

I feel just as feminine and as much myself when I’m pegging Dan as when he’s penetrating me

The more the years pass, the more I realise how extraordinary the way we met on a train was. I had booked a seat in a different carriage. He was meant to be on an earlier train. It was the first time in my life that I had given someone my number, and he texted three minutes later: “This is Dan off the train.” The early days were exciting, but there was also a deep familiarity and ease that was unique for me; a calm undertone that meant I trusted it.

I had lots of fun and one-night stands in my 20s, but I was always part of the orgasm, touching myself at the same time. Dan was the first person I trusted enough to let go. The sex was amazing, but not particularly adventurous – it was the connection and honesty that made it extraordinary.

Kinky sex is a newer thing, which started four years ago with a proposition from Dan. I’d only heard people talk about pegging in regards to a power shift, which is why my initial answer was no – I don’t want to dominate Dan. But I don’t feel like the powerful one when I’m penetrating him, it just feels like us. People assume it’s about the woman taking on a masculine role, but I feel just as feminine when I’m pegging Dan as when he’s penetrating me.

I get huge pleasure from giving Dan so much pleasure; it really turns me on to turn him on that much. It’s poignant and loving. The intimacy of it makes everything feel special for weeks after. I’m so lucky to have a partner who says: “Do you want to try something new?” It would be easy to just continue having the sex we always have, but our ability to change together means we’ll carry on doing that for ever.

He makes me feel desired and adored, and I know he’d do anything for me and our family. To trust somebody is the most loving thing you can do. That’s the beautiful thing about pegging – for him to be so vulnerable and to trust me to do that is a gift.

For a limited time only, the Guardian Print Shop presents a curated selection of Ryan Gillett’s This is How You Do It illustrations. This exclusive release is available until 23 February 2026. Explore the full gallery and buy your print here