This is how we do it: ‘As a sexual abuse survivor, I’ve had to relearn how to have healthy sex’

Miranda felt intimacy and love with Ishan right away, but sex was more awkward to navigate

Miranda, 30

When you spend time talking about repressed memories, it brings up a lot of shame and complicated feelings

Ishan exudes a sense of safety. His presence makes you feel as though you can just take a big, deep breath. I have a history of sexual abuse, which has made our sex life complicated at times. Before Ishan, I was in a strange auto-pilot self-protection mode, because once I fell in love with someone, I would find it hard to have sex with them. I would become scared and physically freeze up, and so I relied on one-night stands and fleeting encounters.

With Ishan, the intimacy and the love was there right away – and that made it hard in a different way. When you are a survivor of abuse, sometimes the safest relationship can be the most challenging one, as you have to relearn how to have sex in a way that feels healthy.

I have recently started a new type of talking therapy for people with a history of sexual abuse. My first session completely knocked me and I haven’t felt like myself since. I told Ishan I needed a week or two where we didn’t have sex – he is always very understanding. When you spend time talking about repressed memories, it brings up a lot of shame and complicated feelings. The memories that come back are so fragmented, you start to question them, and that uncertainty can be draining.

We met when we were 24, and Ishan hadn’t had a lot of experience. He was more nervous about sex. Our sex was more awkward at the start – we didn’t know each other’s bodies or ourselves very well. For me, there is a fine line between Ishan trying not to trigger me but also not treating me as a victim. I am often the leader in exploring new things in sex. I am happy to take charge. He often uses toys on me to start, and brings me to a certain level of arousal. I prefer doggy or being on top, as missionary can be triggering.

Nowadays, Ishan is definitely out of his head a lot more. I feel most comfortable having sex in the flat we share, when we are both in the moment – sweaty, feral and connected.

Ishan, 30

In the past, I have often overthought whether I’d get an erection, which affects my ability to get one

We haven’t been intimate in a couple of weeks because a lot of Miranda’s history of trauma comes through during sex. I don’t feel disappointed or rejected by how long she needs to take off. I am just thinking about how we can get her back to feeling more connected with her body.

I can tell she wants to, but is just scared. I want her to know I still desire her and signal that urge to her. Previously, I was so conscious of trying to not trigger her during sex that it impacted my ability to be in the moment, but we have spoken about it a lot, and overcome that hurdle.

In the past, I often overthought whether I’d be able to get an erection – which affects my ability to get one. I was also stuck in my head, thinking about whether my partner is enjoying it. I became a bit avoidant and Miranda was the one to take charge. Recently, I went to the doctor to get medication to help with erectile dysfunction. We have had sex a couple times without it, but it’s a good thing to lean back on.

I think I repressed some of my sexual desires in my younger years. As a teenager, I remember feeling turned on when I saw Trinity from the Matrix in a full leather suit. As I got older, I would worry that if I was turned on by something, it was misogynistic or derogatory to women. When I met Miranda, she was so open to talking about sex, whereas I can feel anxious talking about it.

I am so often in awe of Miranda. She is incredibly funny, intelligent and empathetic. She can command a room very easily – you can find her laughing loudly at the centre of a group. When we’re at home, she embraces this introverted part of her personality and really values our quality time together. She’s so go-go-go, I think I slow her down – we balance each other out that way.

Names have been changed