Should you split bills 50/50? Or lend friends money? Awkward money questions, answered

We ask the experts to tackle the pressing money conundrums you’ve been avoiding …

Money – why is it so difficult to talk about, even with those closest to us? From deciding how to split the dinner bill with friends to wondering if you should bail out a cash-strapped family member, sometimes it’s easier to sweep money conversations under the carpet entirely than face the potential awkwardness of a misunderstanding (or worse). Which is why we’ve called in the experts to answer those tricky financial conundrums keeping you up at night …

Q: Is it a concern that a partner has no savings?

A: “It’s nuanced,” says Sian McIntyre, head of savings and insurance at Barclays. “If someone has had to use their buffer for an emergency, that in itself isn’t a red flag, but it’s important to try and keep something in the pot as a back up.” Try to understand the reason why someone may be low on savings: have they recently bought a car or experienced a situation that drained their finances? Understanding what’s behind that lack of savings is key.

If your partner earns a decent salary but simply hasn’t got round to saving (or struggles to), that could be a warning sign, particularly if you’re considering building a future with them and that’s important to you.

“Not everyone finds managing money straightforward, and that’s OK,” says McIntyre. “A Barclays financial review appointment provides an opportunity to talk through your finances, ask questions and explore your options in a supportive environment.”

Q: Is splitting everything 50/50 in a relationship OK if one person earns considerably more?

A: “Fifty-fifty can feel reassuring because it makes fairness look like a question of arithmetic,” says psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber. “Yet the same bill can be an afterthought for one person and a source of anxiety for the other. The amounts match; the sacrifices don’t. Fairness in a relationship requires equal consideration, which may mean unequal contributions.”

Yet paying half can be a deliberate expression of independence, she adds. Someone who earns less may value choosing how they participate, without feeling beholden or cast as the person who always needs help. Insisting on paying for them can unintentionally override the autonomy you mean to support.

The distinction is between wanting to contribute and feeling obliged to prove your worth. Can either person suggest somewhere cheaper, accept a treat or say they’re stretched without being judged?

“Fairness requires attention to both circumstances and preferences,” says Fox Weber. “Sometimes generosity means paying more; sometimes it means accepting another person’s contribution without making their income the defining fact about them. Being able to give, as well as receive, can matter deeply to someone’s sense of belonging.”

Q: How can you warn someone about a potential scam without making them feel defensive?

A: “While it’s great to look out for our loved ones, scams are designed to alienate people and are increasingly sophisticated and convincing,” says Paul Davis, head of economic crime at Barclays. “If a friend or loved one has become involved in a situation that you think may be a scam, particularly where money has been sent, it’s possible they’ll become defensive and decide to keep what’s happening quiet when queried about it, out of shame or embarrassment. The best thing to do is to gently point out the facts – what is it exactly that’s concerning you? Has money exchanged hands? Be specific about the things you’re worried about and encourage them to question the scenario – a helpful suggestion might be for them to confirm any information they’ve been given via a reputable third party. Tread carefully and be patient – your support could make all the difference.”

It’s important to stay as informed as possible about potential scams to stay one step ahead of the fraudsters, adds Davis.

Q: Is it ever OK for a partner to manage your money?

A: “Whatever your relationship looks like – and however much you trust each other – it’s important you have a clear understanding of your own financial situation,” says Seema Sachdev, head of customer lifecycle management at Barclays UK. “While it’s sometimes the case that one person takes the lead on things like finances (perhaps you both genuinely prefer it that way or one of you has an aptitude for money management), it’s important to know how much money you have and what’s coming and going each month, as well as where your savings are and what financial commitments you have.”

It’s essential you know how to access your bank accounts if you need to, too. If you don’t already, start by getting to grips with the basics and setting aside half an hour each week to stay on top of things. Don’t forget, sharing your log-in details or passwords with third parties (even your partner) could mean you’re not protected if something goes wrong.

In the UK, if your current or former partner has interfered with your money, financial situation or the things that money can buy in some way to limit your choices, Surviving Economic Abuse offers support.

Q: Is it ever a good idea to lend a friend or loved one money?

A: “Lending can be a generous expression of care, but it can be costly in every sense, and it can change the emotional balance of a relationship,” says Fox Weber. “Before agreeing, ask yourself: ‘Can I manage without this money, and how would I feel if it wasn’t repaid?’ Notice any unspoken expectations, too. Are you hoping for gratitude, greater closeness or a say in someone’s decisions? A loan shouldn’t purchase influence.”

Ask yourself what lies behind your willingness or reluctance to lend a friend money, says Fox Weber. “Are you worried about being repaid, or about disappointing them if you say no? If you’re eager to help, could your wish to feel useful be overriding your own financial and emotional limits?”

If you do decide to lend someone money, Fox Weber says it’s vital to agree on the amount, when it will be repaid and what happens if circumstances change. Writing this down can protect you both from different recollections, she adds.

If you can’t comfortably lend, you can say: “I care about you, but I’m not able to lend money.” You may feel guilty, but that doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Generosity is more sustainable when it leaves room for your own needs. “If you’re emotionally invested in the relationship, protect the goodwill between you by being honest about your limits,” she says. “A mounting debt of grievances can be harder to settle than the original loan.”

Find out how Barclays can help you get comfortable talking about money and confident about your future at barclays.co.uk/money-management