‘How do you spend your cash?’ Nine money conversations we need to stop avoiding with friends, family and romantic partners

When it comes to finances, it’s tempting to keep our cards close to our chest. Here’s how to open up the conversation (you might be surprised where it goes) …

They say money talks, but talking about money? Another thing entirely.

That’s because money questions can feel like character judgments, says psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber. “Asking someone: ‘Can you afford it?’ may sound like ‘Have you failed?’; ‘Why won’t you pay?’ may sound like ‘Don’t you care?’ We absorb powerful messages about being successful, generous or self-sufficient. Admitting what we have, what we need or what frightens us can leave us feeling surprisingly exposed.”

But avoiding the issue isn’t the solution, she adds. Silence leaves plenty of room for misunderstanding when it comes to money. Instead, choose a quiet moment to open a discussion before resentment builds.

Here’s what we should be asking well ahead of that time …

How do you spend your money?

“We can be remarkably principled about other people’s spending,” says Fox Weber. “Before deciding that someone is wasteful or tightfisted, ask what the money means to them. A meal out might represent friendship to one person and a week of financial anxiety to another. Generosity can express affection; it can also be an anxious attempt to secure it. We may spend more than we can afford because we’re afraid of disappointing people or being left out.

“Try getting curious about what’s behind someone’s spending habits before judging them. Having this conversation could help you understand each other a little better – and even bring you closer in the process.”

Top tip: whatever you spend your money on, it’s important to keep track of your outgoings, so having a banking app, such as the Barclays app^*, is essential to help you stay in control of your money and work towards your savings goals.

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What are your long-term money goals?

In a relationship, exploring a partner’s goals can tell you plenty about the way they want to live their life and how compatible you really are, says Sian McIntyre, head of savings and insurance at Barclays. “If someone’s goal is to save aggressively in order to retire early or pay their mortgage off by the time they’re 50, that could look very different to someone hoping to tick every country in the world off their bucket list.”

It’s often worth having the conversation while you’re still getting to know somebody. “While you might enjoy each other’s company, different priorities can cause major issues later if you’re not on the same – or at least a very similar – page.”

Likewise, as more and more people continue to live in their childhood home well into adulthood, many parents may begin to feel resentful and question why their offspring seem content to spend money on nights out and clothes rather than saving for a deposit for a place of their own.

“Parents need to have a realistic view of how much a deposit is these days,” says McIntyre. “But equally, adult children living at home and their parents should be open about long-term plans to ensure they align. For example, the parents may want to sell the family home after retirement to fund a life abroad; if this is the case, the children need to know about it so they can plan, and save, for an independent life accordingly.”

Top tip: there are plenty of tools available online to help encourage conversations about money and long-term goal planning, such as Barclays’ money confidence hub.

Have you prepared a will?

Nobody wants to think about dying, but planning for the worst will save your loved ones from unnecessary stress down the line. Ensuring we’ve ticked off the important things, like having an up-to-date will and making sure children and dependents will be taken care of if the worst happens might feel morbid, but the alternative is a lot less agreeable. Be sure to make clear where that information is stored (is it accessible?), too. It’s also helpful to know well ahead of time how to deal with the financial admin that follows a loved one’s death, for instance, notifying the state, cancelling utility bills and managing bank accounts.

How do you feel about lending or borrowing money?

Most of us know somebody who resolutely refuses to lend or borrow money – and often for good reason, says Fox Weber. “It can prove problematic since not only do many of us feel strongly about it, but borrowing from family, friends, flatmates or loved ones has the potential to negatively impact the relationship if things turn sour.” The same goes for our appetite for risk in general. “If your views on lending and borrowing are not aligned, then you could come up against serious friction in the future,” she says.

Are you scam-savvy?

Criminals stole £1.28bn through payment fraud last year, with the rise of AI-powered tools set to enable fraudsters further still. “Scams have become increasingly sophisticated and it’s harder than ever to tell the difference between a normal call or email from a financial institution and a fraudulent one,” says Klaudia Marku, head of scams strategy at Barclays. “It’s important to be aware of any potentially risky habits you have (reusing passwords or sharing personal information online) and that you’re comfortable discussing potential scams with partners, friends and family – including older and younger generations,” she adds. Keep in mind that anyone can be tricked by a scammer, so learn as much as you can about fraud to stay one step ahead of the scammers.

“Respond with empathy,” adds Fox Weber. “Someone who has been scammed may already feel frightened, humiliated and painfully unsure of their own judgment. ‘I’d never fall for that’ is painful to hear after you’ve been deceived. Scams can exploit trust, anxiety and the wish to help. If someone tells you they’ve been caught, start with: ‘I’m glad you told me.’ Keeping their dignity intact makes it easier to talk honestly about what happened, ask for help and work out what to do next.”

How much debt are you in?

“Debt can feel like something you have to confess, because financial difficulty is so often treated as a personal failure,” says Fox Weber. “Ask what happened before deciding what it says about someone. Illness, separation, caring responsibilities and insecure work can all change the picture.”

In a romantic relationship, if you’re planning a future together, you need an honest account of what’s owed and what repayments mean for everyday life. Understanding someone’s circumstances and asking clear questions belong in the same conversation.

“It’s helpful to contextualise behaviour, too. Understanding why your partner may be reluctant to book a big holiday but is more than happy to spend on home improvements, for example, can influence your approach to conversations around those topics,” says Fox Weber.

Top tip: tools such as the Barclays Budget Planner can help you both work out your disposable incomes and highlight any discretionary spend that could be reduced.

Should we combine finances?

“Sharing money can express trust, but it shouldn’t become a test of love,” says Fox Weber. “One person may see separate accounts as independence, another as distance. A joint account can feel reassuring or exposing. Talk about those meanings, then the practicalities: who has access, how decisions are made and what each person can spend without asking permission. Both people need a meaningful say and room for some independence.”

Top tip: a Barclays financial review appointment can help you talk through your finances and explore your options so you and your partner can discuss the scary stuff together with more confidence.

What’s your biggest money fear?

Fox Weber recommends asking two key questions to open up this conversation: “What did money mean in your family?” and “What’s worrying you now?” Our fears have histories, she says, but they also have present-day reasons.

“Someone with a family safety net may struggle to grasp how exposed life feels without one. What looks like excessive caution may be the knowledge that nobody can bail you out. That cushion can also bring unease: guilt about money they haven’t earned, or embarrassment about admitting how much help they’ve had. Understanding that difference gives you somewhere more useful to start than calling each other ‘tight’ or ‘careless’.”

Who should pay for what in our relationship?

Couples should have this conversation as soon as possible, Fox Weber advises. “Fifty-fifty divides the bill; it doesn’t necessarily share the burden. If one person sets a lifestyle the other can barely afford, equal payments can leave very unequal freedom. Fairness also means recognising emotional work, childcare, housework and unpaid care: a payslip tells only part of the story. Agree an arrangement that gives both people some breathing room, and revisit it as circumstances change. Paying more shouldn’t buy more say.”

Find out how Barclays can help you feel money confident about your future at barclays.co.uk/money-management